Two steps forward, fall down the stairs

When you think of willpower what do you think about? Using it to stay away from junk food? Using it to keep on track with your gym schedule? Do you want to know what I use willpower for?

I use it to stay alive.

I am not suicidal in the sense that I plan to take my own life. Being violent towards myself hasn’t crossed my mind in probably a decade, but this is something altogether very different. There are days when my mind and body don’t want to keep each other alive. These aren’t ‘I’ve had a stressful day with the kids’ days, it’s nothing that I can control. I can feel my blood pressure drop, i get migraines, I have trouble breathing, and medication doesn’t offer any help. My anxiety kicks in, and it tells my body that it doesn’t need to keep fighting anymore.
Anxiety doesn’t always strike in the form of a panic attack, anxiety can creep into your mind like a rolling fog across water. It plays with you in ways you cannot imagine, and yes, sometimes it tries to kill you.
So how do I get out of these situations where I can feel myself shutting down? This is where willpower comes I to play.
The sound of my children’s voices, the brush of my dogs fur against my skin, the warmth of the sun through curtains, a sudden text message from my sister or my best friend, hearing my husband come through the door when he’s home from work, these are all gentle reminders that I want and deserve to be alive. I have felt my consciousness leave my body on several occasions in my life, and I do not wish to feel it again, so why does my psyche wish so hard for me to be dead?

I have no answer for this question. I wish I did. The rational part of me wants nothing to do with death or the dissolution of my earthly being. The poison fog that lives inside of mind has a mind of it’s own, and it refuses to coexist with the light that does live in there, no matter how minute of an amount it is.
I won’t give up, as long as that little ray of light is inside of me, I won’t give up, sometimes it does feel like the easy solution, but I know that it’s not, and I will never give into the dark.
If you or sow some you love deals with this frustration and pain, please know that you are NOT the only one, and I am here to help anyone, talk through experiences, and offer friendship to anyone who needs it. If you need to talk, message me on here or on my twitter, I promise I will always respond. We all deserve understanding, and our common ground doesn’t have to be sharing the same diagnosis, our common ground is being members of the same community that is fighting for acceptance from the rest of the world.

Good luck to you today, and every day. Let’s all push through the darkness and make it through one more day.


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