“A crone sitting in the ruins, watching the beams crumble, and warming myself in the smoke from the funeral pyre.” (Geek Love, Katherine Dunn)
The days on which the bad in my soul outweighs the good, I identify with my psychopath diagnosis. The quote above frames perfectly how I feel – I go through periods of extreme vindictiveness, apathy, hate, and intense schadenfreude. I revel in others misfortune, and if things are going to well everyone, I create situations that can be damaging to others, purely for my own sadistic enjoyment. When I have locked my demons back in their closet I generally am more sympathetic and compassionate. I do not, however, ever feel bad for my episodes of psychopathy. I have learned that remorse is not a feeling that I experience easily – in fact – one of the only things that I have ever felt bad about is the fact that I don’t feel sorry for anything.
During good or bad spells I have trouble identifying with most people, I tire very easily of people’s company, and very rarely spend more than one day with the same person. It doesn’t matter how much I like you the first day, by the second I will start picking you apart, finding things that annoy me. I can’t help it. I don’t like spending time with myself, how can you possibly expect me to want to spend time with you? Being around people is not a distraction from my mind, it is an amplification of the negative feelings that I try to keep tucked away so as to not offend you. Sometimes I struggle, and usually everyone notices. I cherish my ability to be the black cloud that bursts open over your pool party.
“I don’t see smart, and I definitely don’t see trustworthy, but I’ll give you a quote: You. Repel. Me.” (Sherlock, S2E3)
It’s not your fault that I don’t trust you. (Unless it is, in which case, suck it). My trust issues are deep-rooted and amplified exponentially by mental illness. Not trusting you makes it easier to sever the ties between us if I need to, which I probably will…eventually. I don’t stay friends with people forever – it’s hard work, and we all know that I am lazy when it comes to maintaining anything. I couldn’t be bothered to water the flowers I paid for and planted, I’m probably not going to last in whatever relationship you think we have. It’s not you. You’re probably wonderful.
All of these musings aren’t to say that I don’t feel love, I love many people; but I am a conditional person, and am able to move on the moment my conditions aren’t met. Love is black and white for me. I love like a child, completely and purely, until the moment I don’t. I think of it as relationship ADHD. You’re good enough until I start to see the wear on your soul, the little scratches and dents that make you imperfect; then I find something new and shiny to love until it too becomes tarnished. It’s a cycle. Have you found the theme in my posts yet? Everything is cyclical.
I’m feeling cynical tonight, but I won’t apologise; you know that I won’t mean it. It’s good to acknowledge the bile in your soul every once and a while, otherwise it collects and festers, and you can’t get rid of it.
This is my purge.