My moorings are built on sand

“A crone sitting in the ruins, watching the beams crumble, and warming myself in the smoke from the funeral pyre.” (Geek Love, Katherine Dunn)

The days on which the bad in my soul outweighs the good, I identify with my psychopath diagnosis. The quote above frames perfectly how I feel – I go through periods of extreme vindictiveness, apathy, hate, and intense schadenfreude. I revel in others misfortune, and if things are going to well everyone, I create situations that can be damaging to others, purely for my own sadistic enjoyment. When I have locked my demons back in their closet I generally am more sympathetic and compassionate. I do not, however, ever feel bad for my episodes of psychopathy. I have learned that remorse is not a feeling that I experience easily – in fact – one of the only things that I have ever felt bad about is the fact that I don’t feel sorry for anything.

During good or bad spells I have trouble identifying with most people, I tire very easily of people’s company, and very rarely spend more than one day with the same person. It doesn’t matter how much I like you the first day, by the second I will start picking you apart, finding things that annoy me. I can’t help it. I don’t like spending time with myself, how can you possibly expect me to want to spend time with you? Being around people is not a distraction from my mind, it is an amplification of the negative feelings that I try to keep tucked away so as to not offend you. Sometimes I struggle, and usually everyone notices. I cherish my ability to be the black cloud that bursts open over your pool party.

“I don’t see smart, and I definitely don’t see trustworthy, but I’ll give you a quote: You. Repel. Me.” (Sherlock, S2E3)

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It’s not your fault that I don’t trust you. (Unless it is, in which case, suck it). My trust issues are deep-rooted and amplified exponentially by mental illness. Not trusting you makes it easier to sever the ties between us if I need to, which I probably will…eventually. I don’t stay friends with people forever – it’s hard work, and we all know that I am lazy when it comes to maintaining anything. I couldn’t be bothered to water the flowers I paid for and planted, I’m probably not going to last in whatever relationship you think we have. It’s not you. You’re probably wonderful.

All of these musings aren’t to say that I don’t feel love, I love many people; but I am a conditional person, and am able to move on the moment my conditions aren’t met. Love is black and white for me. I love like a child, completely and purely, until the moment I don’t. I think of it as relationship ADHD. You’re good enough until I start to see the wear on your soul, the little scratches and dents that make you imperfect; then I find something new and shiny to love until it too becomes tarnished. It’s a cycle. Have you found the theme in my posts yet? Everything is cyclical.

I’m feeling cynical tonight, but I won’t apologise; you know that I won’t mean it. It’s good to acknowledge the bile in your soul every once and a while, otherwise it collects and festers, and you can’t get rid of it.

This is my purge.

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4 thoughts on “My moorings are built on sand

  1. Total genius post. Refreshing honesty. I don’t have a psychopath dx, yet I relate to many things you mention….reading this made me think ” thank God I’m not the only one who feels this way and thinks these things”

    Thank you.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Dyane, you always leave the best comments! I’m glad that I’m somewhat relate-able, it’s very easy to get lost in myself and forget that I’m not the only person on the planet who feels things – good or bad. Being able to put a name and face to someone who can feel some of the negativity that I feel/have felt is also so helpful for me psychologically. It’s easy enough to know that I can’t be the only one, but to have someone acknowledge our similarities makes me feel like less of a monster. Thank you for helping me stay human.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Thank you so much for replying to me. I meant to write much more last night because I was so fired up and inspired after reading your post! I can’t tell you how good it was to read that and recognize myself…. but I was working out on my bloody elliptical machine (the thing keeps me from murdering people) & I was using my itsy bitsy Kindle Fire that aggravates my chronic carpal tunnel syndrome.

    ANYWAY, if anyone knew the truth about what I think, they’d most likely be in shock. I seem very sweet – but I’m a hypocrite. I’m a good actress. I have super-negative, envious thoughts much of the time. While I don’t create situations that are damaging to others (well, most of the time) both apathy and schadenfreude could be my middle name.

    Both of my children will attest to my truly off-the-hook, beyond dumb road rage and they know complicated swear words/phrases they shouldn’t know at such a young age. I am not proud of that.

    Right now I can’t even stand being around anyone at all except for my dog and my immediate family – although God knows I need breaks from them every day. This social anxiety/social revulsion thing is turning out to be a major problem. I suspect that decreasing my Seroquel dose made it worse….I don’t know!

    It’s hard enough to be myself as well – I have derealization and depersonalization issues that started a few years ago; these conditions are horrific . It’s hard to explain what those are like to anyone without their thinking I need to check myself back into the dog kennel.

    I’m sorry to go off here – you know I already love your blog, and now I love it even more because of this post. I’m serious. To read the “nasty bits” about another person who writes so eloquently (and don’t take this the wrong way, but your writing is entertaining & lyrical even when you reveal those bits!) is such a relief & it just makes me feel better.

    Thanks again for baring your soul and for helping me feel like less of a freak of nature!

    Dy 🙂

    Like

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