For those times in which I have nothing to say

“Sometimes being a friend means mastering the art of timing. There is a time for silence. A time to let go and allow people to hurl themselves into their own destiny, Ā and a time to prepare to pick up the pieces when it’s all over.”

There are days and weeks and months of my life in which I prefer to be silent. I don’t text unless I have to, I avoid talking on the phone even more than usual, and I have no inspiration to write. It’s not meant as an affront to anyone, and it certainly isn’t because I’m mad at anyone; you will ALWAYS know when I’m mad at you. I do it because I have nothing left to say that I haven’t said. My mind is overworked and overtired, and I need to take a break to recharge. As selfish as it sounds, I grow really tired of having to keep in constant contact with everyone. I’m sure you all have interesting things to say, but interesting conversation deserves a captive audience. When I feel like going on a retreat in my mind palace I am unable to focus on much else. I pay attention to my kids, obviously, but my attention doesn’t extend much farther than that. I have run out of reasons to feel interested in the outside world, and I don’t think that’s wrong – I take time away so that I can miss the way things were and come back refreshed and genuinely interested in everyone that I hold close.

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So please, don’t send me ‘are you mad at me?’ messages, or delete me from your social media if I haven’t contacted you in a while; it literally has absolutely nothing to do with you. I lack the motivation to entertain you or feel entertained, but it will come back, and I will let you know. I know that I’m a hard person to deal with when it comes to communication, but it’s who I’ve always been, and we all know I can’t sincerely apologize for it. So having said all of this, if my lack of communication doesn’t jive with how you operate, no hard feelings on this end. I completely understand how difficult I am, and I blame no one for wanting an out. If you do it now, I probably won’t notice.

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4 thoughts on “For those times in which I have nothing to say

  1. Unfortunately there aren’t a great many people who can understand a mental illness without experiencing it themselves, a lot of people have good intentions but that doesn’t really help. I’ve lost so very many friends because they just couldn’t understand that sometimes, for up to months at a time, I just can’t function socially. But then I’m learning to pull myself up in these times and try to push myself, instead of just accepting that i’m depressed and can’t do anything about it. Sometimes we forget to push ourselves at all and just give in to our diagnosis. All the best.

    Like

  2. I swear to God it’s like you are reading my mind sometimes in this blog. These are not “nice” sugary sweet, fake posts and I LOVE them!!! This is one of five my favorite blogs out of 100. I wish you’d write more, but after reading this post, I won’t pressure you.

    I’ll reiterate that your posts bring me so much comfort. I feel freakish & guilty for acting in certain ways, and for thinking certain thoughts that you describe. Having two young children requires me to interact with people more than I would if it was just me, and I do it. But I also need to take long breaks from social interaction to recharge.

    Thanks again for an awesome blog!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I have to interact with people because of my two older girls, and i know how hard it can be sometimes! I’ve started volunteering at my oldest’s school mostly because she loves it when i’m there, but wow — it takes A LOT out of me! I pour sweat, get the shakes, and I almost always have an aura headache when I get home. I know that it’s worth it to make her happy, but sometimes it’s hard to remember that when I’m surrounded by PTA moms and screaming kids!!
      I truly appreciate that you can relate to my writings, it’s scary to put most of my thoughts into writing. Now that I’ve figured out how to comment on blogs you’ll be hearing a lot more from me! (I’m SO behind with how technology works)
      I hope you wake up refreshed! Big day for us tomorrow, Remembrance Day is always an emotional day for me. I will probably post about it!

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Greetings Sage Mum,

        There is no pressure for you to comment, ever. I’m honored to have a “like” from you, let alone a comment! Although I am happy that you’ve figured out how to comment on blogs – hurrah! I’m pretty behind on tech stuff too. I’m sure it’s scary to put a lot of your thoughts into writing & I’m glad that you push through the fear and do it anyway. That takes guts.

        I am very impressed with your volunteering. I totally understand how happy your daughter is to have you there & you’re amazing to do it. I’ve been going through the same thing with my seven-year-old where she really wants me to be a volunteer. I finally caved and I drove her & two of her classmates on a short field trip a few weeks ago to the local library which is housed in a beautiful, old church (where I used to work, ironically) and it was a triumph that I did it! My social anxiety kicked in big-time, but I was able to get through the trip in one piece. I didn’t have to talk much to the other parent drivers/volunteers since we were in the library – it was an ideal location for me. :)))

        As I write this I’m thinking of you. I’ve been emotional as well today; I do hope you’ll post about how you are doing on this particular day if you’re up to doing it.

        I’m doing a little better now. As the day goes on my mood tends to lift, although the anxiety is always there, lurking.

        Off to cuddle with my seven-month-old puppy Lucy. I wish I could take her everywhere with me, but she’s aggressive with other dogs and most people. šŸ˜¦ She won’t become an emotional service dog at any rate.

        Liked by 1 person

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