Negative Space

My brain is out of fucking control.

I have no idea what is going on in my own head, and I’m starting to feel a feeling beyond terror. Terror and hatred. Hatred and disgust. Disgust and confusion. What the hell is wrong with me? Why can’t I be normal? Feel normal. I’m not normal. I’m a larch tree with a twisted trunk, branches askew. The winds of my mind have whipped me and torn the leaves from my branches, pulled at my bark. I go to the doctor, tell him I feel fucked up, he ups my meds. I take them, I feel fucked up, I go to the doctor, he ups my meds, I take them.

What if meds won’t help? What if my ‘fucked up’ is a special brand that nothing can cure? Why can I seem normal sometimes, but never actually feel it? I think I might be delusional. I see things differently about myself than everyone else. I carry on normal conversations and I do normal things, but on the inside I’m a mess, and nothing I’ve tried is fixing it. I want so badly to be fixed. I cause so many problems with my fucked up brain. So. many. Don’t tell me I don’t, if you think I don’t you just haven’t found out about whatever fuck up I’ve caused yet. It’s all I do.

Did I murder someone in a past life? Am I being punished for former crimes in this life? Why can’t I be normal? I don’t want to fuck my kids up. Sometimes I wonder why I’m still here. They have a normal, wonderful Dad. He could find someone new and raise our beautiful children and they would have foggy memories of their fucked up mom sleeping all day and ‘not feeling well’. I don’t feel well. I don’t remember the last time I’ve felt well. Felt anything other than contempt for myself. Fear and loathing. But here we are, I’m fucking this idea up, too. Too fucked to leave, too fucked to stay.

I’m tired of going to the doctor. I’m tired of making a shitstorm of everything. I’m tired of not being able to slow down on the inside. I lack the ability to repair anything inside of myself.

To hell with it. I’ll start over again tomorrow. Just like I do every day. Research different ways to fix myself. Get nowhere. Medicate. Repeat. It’s all just bullshit, anyway. We’ll do it live.

Deep breaths.

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6 thoughts on “Negative Space

  1. Oh sweetie. Hugs and hugs. You ARE normal, your brain is just wired differently. Have you talked to your therapist in relation to the changes on meds? Also, don’t forget you are still going through hormonal changes from having H, so it will take time for your body and brain to work together again. You aren’t going through it alone. Also, I heart you and am here for you.

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  2. Oh sweetie. Hugs and hugs. You ARE normal, your brain is just wired differently. Have you talked to your therapist in relation to the changes on meds? Also, don’t forget you are still going through hormonal changes from having H, so it will take time for your body and brain to work together again. You aren’t going through it alone. Also, I heart you and am here for you.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. No matter how you feel on any given day remember that the girls are better with YOU! No woman can replace YOU! You are an amazing mother!! I wish I was half the mom you are. You love them and they know that. I see them together and I have never seen so much love between siblings. They care about each other and kids only learn through what they see. You and Andrew love and respect each other so much and the girls see that. You WILL get through this and no matter what the future holds, this is your life and if you ever think you are not worth it or that you don’t matter… look at those beautiful babies you and Andrew created and know that they are a part of you. You are not as fucked up as you feel because they are perfect and wonderful and loving and caring. They are smart and beautiful and worry about the feelings of others. You are an amazing woman, mother, wife and friend! I’m always here because as you know, I struggle with the same issues you do. I battle the demons in my head too and it’s only by looking at my children and how amazing they are, and looking at Stephen and just how much he loves me despite the fact that I don’t always love myself, that I know that in the end, it will be ok no matter how long it takes! ❤

    Liked by 1 person

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