On Thursday, T and I arrived in Calgary for the 10th anniversary of the Fan Expo. Thursday was preview night, and while the crowds were big, there weren’t as bad as I had expected. Friday was much busier, and I forgot to pack my medication in my day bag. I did well, but I was starting to feel the panic and the fear as we were leaving the Q&A panel with Neil Patrick Harris. Riding the train here is easy, easier than YVR!! one less thing to stress about whilst here.
The bipolar beast has been rearing its ugly head at every turn, spending money like Big Daddy is made of it. Thursday I lost control. Friday I complained all day about not being able to lose control. Today? Today I have a plan.
I’m going to medicate before I leave, I’m going to take frequent fresh air breaks, and I’m going to remember that anything I buy needs to be explained. Would Big Daddy say ‘go for it!’ Or would he tell me to take a hard pass? Today I will employ him as my conscience, and I am going to make a conscious effort to keep myself in check.
It’s hard. It’s physically taxing to battle myself, to ignore the pulsing in my head that is constantly telling me what to do. My inner monster is the definition of hedonistic, and in moments of excitement or anxiety, I have trouble saying no.
Today will be a good day. I will have fun, I will enjoy the wonderful company of T, and I will come home with money in the bank.
Progress update on Tuesday!