Graceless 

I have been in a bit of a slump lately. 

 I am cranky. I am pessimistic. I am quick to anger. I need to make a change before my guilt and anger get the better of me and my depression swallows me whole. 

Whenever my anxiety is high, my sister asks me to make lists of my favorite things to help me focus and ultimately calm down. 5 favourite songs, books, movies, places, etc. Today, in an attempt to let go of some anger and to remind myself why I am worthy of being here, I would like to make a list of things that I’m grateful for – in no particular order. 

  • I am grateful for my three incredible daughters. Their individual personalities are amazing, and even though some days it seems like I’m failing, at the end of the day, they always love me. I am so lucky that I get to spend the rest of my life with these amazing human beings. 
  • I am grateful for my sister, who will at a moment’s notice, drop what she’s doing to talk to me. She gives the best advice, never sugar-coats anything, and always tells me what I need to hear. She has also given me a beautiful niece who has taught me that I am capable of loving a child that isn’t my own unconditionally. 
  • I am grateful for my little circle of friends. They put up with my sudden absences, lack of communication, bad moods, good moods, all of it. I have few people whom I feel are true friends, and I am grateful for every one of them. (For the sake of privacy I won’t mention their names, with the exception of Dyane, who’s blog everyone needs to read!)
  • I am grateful for my husband, who has been a season ticket holder on my emotional roller coaster for ten years. His dedication to our family is inspiring, and I would not be who I am or where I am without him. 
  • I am grateful for my location. At any given moment I can look out my window and see the Olympic mountain range, the ocean, and a small forest full of beautiful flora, animals, and waterfalls. I can step out onto my porch and smell the ocean infused air. A five minute walk puts the sand between my toes, or takes me on an adventure through the trees where I can hear peacocks and owls. I will never tire of watching the sun fall behind the mountains. I am indebted to the earth for allowing me to take this beautiful place in, every single day. 
  • I am grateful for my life. Every breath that I take, every beat of my heart. All of my accomplishments, all of my flaws. It’s easy to forget that I have a purpose. It’s easy to beat myself up. It’s easy to fall victim to negative thoughts. Happiness is a fight, but It’s always worth fighting. Every day that I wake up is a victory, regardless of if I feel successful that day. I am worthy of this life, and I won’t quit just because some days or weeks or months are harder than others. 

A life with bipolar is an uphill hike through a hurricane, but I am working on remembering that everyone has their own battle, and most importantly that comparison is the thief of joy. The less I focus on how it seems everyone else is doing, I need to focus on how I’m doing. 

Sounds simple, doesn’t it?

Remind yourself of what you’re grateful for. Hug your children, give your dog a treat, and forgive yourself. That’s the best anyone can do. Today it is all I can do. 

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3 thoughts on “Graceless 

  1. I was just sittin’ here on my butt, reading this beautifully written post and boo ya!
    There was my name & a link to my freaky blog.

    Thanks so much for the shout-out!

    It brought me a much-needed smile and a real feeling of appreciation & love. I wish you could see our fridge door. There remain absolutely no pictures of people on it EXCEPT your X-mas photo!!! It always makes me happy to look at it.

    You are truly an incredible person and writer – I knew that when I read the very first paragraph on your blog!

    While yes, your brilliant line “A life with bipolar is an uphill hike through a hurricane” is SO true, we both are blessed with little girls who love us and we’re going to trudge up the hill no matter what. And love those tater tots & our husbands all the while.

    Re: “Comparison is the thief of joy” – well, that’s SO SO true. Yesterday I was feeling okay about mysef (still a rare occurence) and I made the big mistake of going to a website featuring women writers. It listed all of the women contributors’ bios and they were all high-powered, with heaps and heaps of writing awards, degrees, published, bestselling books, etc. Not one dud.

    Reading that website page made me feel like total shit. Why did I read about those uber-accomplished women – how stupid was that? I should have stopped as soon as I felt my spirits plummnet, duh!!!!! Not one of their bios said “Sandy Sue has writen three books and she was in the nuthouse 7 times”, ya know? I admire a woman with bipolar surviving a nuthouse staycation more than a women who goes to the fucking Iowa Writer’s Workshop every summer. I’d rather visit your house and see those stunning views and be with you than go to Iowa any day of the week! I’m never doing that ego-crushing exercise again. Lesson learned.

    Sorry to vent!!

    Please know I think of you all the time, especially every time I open the freezer and see the shot with your face looking at your adorable girl in her stunning holiday dress as I reach for the gelato! 😉 I love you and I am so glad you wrote about the good things in your life. It reminds me to do the same, and it actually helps!

    XOXOXOXOXXOXOOX always,
    Dyane

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Gorgeous! I admire your ability to give thanks – especially in the light of difficult internal circumstances. I could take a lesson from your book 😉

    Liked by 1 person

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