Cognitive Dissonance 

I’ve had to make a decision recently, about a problem that has been bothering me for quite some time. I had been waiting for a moment of clarity, a sign perhaps, to guide me in the right direction. However I have now determined that waiting for some cosmic being to tell me what to do would leave me waiting forever. I had to put on my big girl pants and make a hard decision, and hope that it was the right one. 

I am no longer willing to nurture relationships that are not healthy for all parties involved. I cannot journey healthily into the future if I am still clinging to parts of my past. No more “friends” on facebook that I don’t communicate with. No more hate-stalking, no more waiting for someone I cared for to reach out to me. I have evolved, and my evolution is bound to leave some things and people in the dust. That is not to say that I don’t care about these people or things, I will always wonder about them, but  what I’ve had to give up is wondering why they get along so well without me. I’ve spent too long on the outside of people’s lives, looking in, and feeling a sad disconnect based on the relationship we used to have. My love is always constant, and I’m learning that it is an unrealistic expectation to think that everyone operates on the same emotional plane as me. As much as I try not to be, I  am an empath. I don’t want to feel as much as I do, but it is beyond my control. This amplified feeling of rejection and loss has led to an unhealthy obsession with trying to find out where I’ve gone wrong. What have I done to drive a wedge between myself and this person that I once connected so strongly with? I must’ve done something, because I am defective. Trying to find all of my faults and flaws within each relationship has been taxing both emotionally and physically, but I needed that introspection to determine what I now know: people grow apart, and it’s not (always) anyone’s fault. It’s time to stop focusing on what I could’ve done better, and refocus on taking care of the relationships I currently have, while occasionally remembering the good times and experiences that came from the old ones. 

I no longer have the energy to chase people down, and I will not beg anyone to keep in touch – family or otherwise. I will no longer wonder how to make you like me more, it’s not my job to please anyone, nor is it OK to try to change myself based on who others want me to be. I am me, and I am enough. I am legitimately happy for everyone, past and present, that is living a happy and fulfilling life. If ever our paths cross again I will greet you warmly, as I always have, but I will no longer wait and wonder. I’m ready to let go of my past to prepare for my future. My future involves focusing on the good, fostering love and mutual respect, and finding a state that I have yet to function in – a state of being content with who I am, and with what I have. 

This is not a new years resolution, it is a promise to myself and to my loved ones that I will make a conscious effort to let go of the things I cannot control, and to look to the future with hope and positivity. It’s time to step out from behind the shadow of my past and allow the light to guide me in a healthy direction. 

I love all of you. You past demons, you present angels. I am a product of everyone and everything I’ve ever loved and cared about. I am grateful for who I have become. I am ready to move forward. 

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